Bite me

Over on McSweeney’s, a timely and Pittsburgh-originated open letter to an entity that is unlikely to respond: An Open Letter to the Radioactive Spider That Never Bit Me.

Dear radioactive spider,

I’m already twenty-seven years old, and I still don’t have the abilities of a spider. I know you’re out there, and, for whatever reason, you’ve decided that biting a (relatively) young, socially awkward boy isn’t one of your priorities.

You should totally bite me. I could fight supervillains! I know, there haven’t been very many supervillains in this part of the country. The pickings here are slim, since most Pittsburghers are blue-collar yinzers too tired after work to cause trouble, or rugrat Pitt students just looking to get cheap beer and free sex, which I admit aren’t standard supervillain goals.

But think of all the things I could do with the powers of a spider! I could be swinging between buildings on long, ropy strands of webbing! I could be climbing up sheer walls! I could be punching bank robbers and rapists! I could have pectoral muscles! But no, I have to walk to where I want to go, and the only thing I can shoot out of my wrists is blood, and that