I like New Year’s resolutions. I like the feeling of resolving to be better in some way. “From now on, I will [insert resolution here] and thus be a better person.” Resolving to do something feels like a strong and positive step toward good; and it’s much easier than actually being good.

In fact, I like resolutions so much I make them all year round: I don’t want to wait until January 1 to feel I’m making progress.

But still, when each new year arrives I make a few extra resolutions. When everyone’s making new commitments there’s resolve in the air.

But not everyone values New Year’s resolutions. Inner Bitch recently pointed out a random resolution generator. It combines the progressive feeling of resolutions with the optimistic randomness of fortune cookie messages. Here’s what it suggested for me:

In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Slap stupid people in the head.

Get your resolution here

As it happens, some years back I did have a habit of slapping people on the head. They were not stupid people though — they were friends who had somehow made me annoyed. I never meant to hurt anyone; my slaps were like those of the stereotypical mom knocking her son upside the head for making a snide remark at the dinner table. Or rather, I thought they were. Apparently I hit people hard and there were complaints.

I managed to switch to punching shoulders instead, thinking it was a buddy-buddy move that would be perceived better. But then one day I hit my roommate Sharon hard enough to bruise. This was shortly before a swanky party; the bruise blossomed into a purple and green splotch, which Sharon’s sleeveless dress seemed almost to display. I resolved then to stop hitting friends altogether.

Maybe I went too far though. My random resolution seems to be saying it’s OK to hit non-friends, if they’re stupid. It’s beyond OK: It’s required.

I like it. It’s a much more interesting to-do than losing weight, don’t you think?

6 replies on “Slap-happy”

  1. The first time I went to the resolution generator, and I am not making this up, it offered “In the year 2006 I resolve to: To be a bitch.”

    The resolution generator knows all, sees all!

  2. Happy New Year, Cindy! So, 2 out of the 4 attempts at a resolution resulted in embarrassing, sexually oriented material. I will not reveal here what they were and whether they apply to me. However, the other 2 resolutions were: 1) to go cow tipping in ’06; and 2) to not eat cloned meat. Amazing connection!

  3. Christine, I thank you so much from bringing the automatic resolution generator into my life … into all our lives. We are indebted to you.

    Susan, I can’t help but assume how the other two “embarrassing” resolutions were also connected to each other — or perhaps to the cow resolutions. Do you have a special affinity for our bovine friends? (Actually, now that I’ve asked, I find that I don’t want to know.)

    Kathie, you could phrase your point in the form of a resolution: “I resolve not to turn my back on Cindy this year.”

  4. My dating life has seen better days in the last 3 years, but I am proud to say I have not resorted to the bovine. Or any animals, for that matter — repeat, no animals.

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