I like New Year’s resolutions. I like the feeling of resolving to be better in some way. “From now on, I will [insert resolution here] and thus be a better person.” Resolving to do something feels like a strong and positive step toward good; and it’s much easier than actually being good.
In fact, I like resolutions so much I make them all year round: I don’t want to wait until January 1 to feel I’m making progress.
But still, when each new year arrives I make a few extra resolutions. When everyone’s making new commitments there’s resolve in the air.
But not everyone values New Year’s resolutions. Inner Bitch recently pointed out a random resolution generator. It combines the progressive feeling of resolutions with the optimistic randomness of fortune cookie messages. Here’s what it suggested for me:
In the year 2006 I resolve to:
As it happens, some years back I did have a habit of slapping people on the head. They were not stupid people though — they were friends who had somehow made me annoyed. I never meant to hurt anyone; my slaps were like those of the stereotypical mom knocking her son upside the head for making a snide remark at the dinner table. Or rather, I thought they were. Apparently I hit people hard and there were complaints.
I managed to switch to punching shoulders instead, thinking it was a buddy-buddy move that would be perceived better. But then one day I hit my roommate Sharon hard enough to bruise. This was shortly before a swanky party; the bruise blossomed into a purple and green splotch, which Sharon’s sleeveless dress seemed almost to display. I resolved then to stop hitting friends altogether.
Maybe I went too far though. My random resolution seems to be saying it’s OK to hit non-friends, if they’re stupid. It’s beyond OK: It’s required.
I like it. It’s a much more interesting to-do than losing weight, don’t you think?